不知道多少次的厌倦了，又到了强行逼着自己写点东西的时候。不强行，则永远不会写。不写，总是遗忘这痛苦的当下。恐怕以后的模糊记忆之下，这时光竟然荒谬地被赋予了一层美好滤镜。然而美好并不是荒谬的，丑恶的自己与波荡的心才是荒谬所在。直入云霄的快意，一日看尽长安花。插进胸膛的烈火，跌落绝望的深渊。两种心情极速地变换着，把所有地一切都附上了——死亡，或是希望。
Alright, now, let’s get off from these abstract self-basement sentences. It’s time to compose some real self reflection lines.
Motivation
My motivation could be divided into two types, which are self-generated and other-gained. The former, because of severe self-basement syndrome, is always lack of, and based on this condition, the latter takes the first place of my motivation source.
To dive into depth, the concept “self-basement” is a must to interpret. What is it? How did it come? Questions like this, clearly have a involvement with my miserable childhood memories. The identity of “alien”, the loss of paternity, the harsh uncle, the distant maternity care, all of these factors from childhood stage, combined as a huge stream, flushing my dignity into pieces, dissolving in the wind. Also, when I firstly attended the middle school in the city, my fragile identity had been on a skepticism again. The junior year in the school, I made literally enormous lies, to show up my status, and, to some extent, reduce my confusion toward my identity.
Now we explained the origin, the self-basement came with my “destiny”, growing stronger in my younger ages. So, what is the correlation between basement and motivation?
Rather to use the opposite of the word “self-basement”, it is confidence, With confidence, you can manage to get works done with your capability. And of course, as “basementer”, we do have such confidence rooted in our morbid hearts. It is a straightforward logic, that is, you don’t believe in yourself, so you turn to believe in others. This is an explanation upon why between the two types, always the other-gained motivation won.
Certainly, this put me in a underdog situation, which is considered as pathetic. Always lead me to unhealthy relationships, as a result. Thus I have to makes changes, on my self.
Purely improvement on mindset is no way to effectively lift my position in this hierarchy, this could be attributed to my overwhelmingly strong hunch about what is right and reality. I know who I am, and I’m not satisfied with my current state, since I think there’re spaces for me to leverage and improve my overall “good”. So don’t try to play mindset games with your smart brains, he will break your pretense immediately. The only feasible way is, however, to make genuine exertion, and convince the brain with actual changed reality.
In a word, to generate motivation from myself, there’s no way but to make on-ground improvement.
Decisions
Now I’m on a diverge about the choices of computer science path and sociology path. Both is of passion, but for the former I have no solid belief on my talent, which is pretty vital in CS. But still, for most of the time in my life, I possess a stabborn believe on my “potential”, which is drastically contrast with my self-basement aspect. I do believe that I can make great things, creating great products, to make the world a little better.
As I also convinced myself that I have an authentic passion in programming, instead of just enjoying that sense of achivement. This could be the reason that, I can’t simply let it go, I want it be the weapon to reach higher. This is a decision, and throughout the life, we make decisions all the time. Wether it could be agony or touch, we’ll have to move forward. To leave behind all of those cluters, we can’t make this preoccupy the mind all the time, as it became the haunting soul.
DECISIONS, NOT ONLY IN THE CAREER, BUT ALSO IN MY PATHETIC ROMANCE FATE.
Due to lack of sleep right now, reason gradually dissovled.
The haunting fear about losing, is uprooted in aforementioned self-basement. Once I have bond with certain people, a pathetic dependency will formulated, that I can hardly escape and endure.
That’s kind of off topic though, what is now supposed to do is, to evaluate the talent, exploring my inner world and to tell the truth, what is the path should I really keep going.
Evasion
Evasion, for a dopamine driven person, is a daily practice. Everything that lacks of stimulus, my passion and motivation will be rapidly vaporated. I want to do things, only when they are interesting, enabling me to feel excited, to invoke my dopamine system. Of course this could be attributed to ADHD, from my younger ages, this disorder forced me to cultivate a very different way to get know this world and live within with harmony.
We ADHD person, do have brains that always hungry, and its food is nothing but more excitement and stimulus. Only through this way can we generate motivation to get things accomplished, which is not so easy to have.
On other side, evasion also can be seen as a coward personality. The word penetrate through my heart, influcing every facet of my life. So do the personality, which is reflected as people pleaser. Basically, I’m not stand at a equal position, whenever I felt inconfident or insecure. I tried so hard to be nice, or rather to say, to conceal my “dark side”, and display my “nice side” on the surface. Plus that, I also try so hard to crawl for such subjects, it has become my pleasure to do favors, instead of being my trouble. The patience allocated for differenct type of people is drastically inequal, based on a scale of my basement level.
Hatred
Furious hatred, harshly hurt no one but myself. Lost in the confusion, the hatred came as the wild fire, destroy everything, burn them to flame.
Never mind, forget about that’s crazy words. My hated toward inner self, is actually a tool for stimulating motivation, while it always lapsed instantly. Also, it is kind of “advertisement”, appealling someone to give me care and love, as a reflection of insecurity and lack-of-love in my childhood. Plus, involved with self-basement, as healthy people should love themselves before love others, but not for me as I don’t believe in myself to be able to generate decent motivation, or to say, sufficient love.
Sometimes, this hated is not that bad, in contrary, it indeed helped me. Also, I want to mention that self-basement isn’t that useless, too. As a dopamine seeker, I should easily fall into the pitfall of chasing low-level entertainment. But thanks to my ego, I consider them as a pattern to escape, so I can have my uniquity, which is a lift to my esteem.
To write in English is even more challenging for me now, guess this is what I use exert on.
Good luck.
Oct 20th. 2024.